Alcibiades was a general of ancient Athens, and nephew of Pericles, whom you might have heard of. Amongst else, he was an extremely clever person and an unparalleled general. He had a quite lovely although unruly character, and a hot as hell ass that made many famous philosophers fight against each other for who was the most worthy to enjoy it – but Alcibiades didn’t give it to any of them.
Paradoxically, this post is not about his ass or his sex life – both are rather interesting subjects, but still no. Instead, I’m going to praise him as an ideal citizen. If you know this fellow, you probably thought, “What the hell did he just say?!” and if you don’t know him, you’ll share that sentiment soon enough.
What I’m going to describe are real events that happened about twenty-five hundred years ago, but, still, if you “scratch” the surface and see the symbolism underneath, you’ll get why I consider him an ideal citizen and someone I look up to.
Let me give you a hint to help you decipher the symbolism. Someone you all know – probably – once said, “Don’t ask what America can do for you. Ask what you can do for America.” That’s a nice ideal, if and only if your country respects you.
Back to my subject.
A little before the Peloponnesian War, there was a war in Sicily. The superpowers, Athens and Sparta, sent ships and armies each to support their own allies. Athens decided to send three generals, one of whom was Alcibiades.
So, this cute and hot little fellow, the night before departing, went out, had fun, had a barrel too many and got drunk. And in that intoxicated state he thought it would be fun to decapitate the hermae. What are those?
They are “statues” of Hermes (Mercury) that depict only his head and his hard-on. They were placed at the sides of the streets to protect the passers-by from all evil, natural or supernatural.
Of course, what he did was considered a blasphemy and warranted the death penalty. A small reminder in case you overlooked this detail, Alcibiades was already a general, which means he had done more than a lot for his country.
The next day, he departed with the Athenian fleet and went to Sicily. Things weren’t looking good there, but with Alcibiades, Athens achieved some good developments. The other two generals were more of a drag than of a help to him. That’s because they were too old and rigid and they also didn’t have much experience in naval battles.
In the meantime, Athens found out who decapitated the hermae, and ignoring that the only person who upheld their pride at Sicily was Alcibiades, they sent one of the two sacred ships to bring him back and, well… execute him.
If you are wondering how come the Sicilian war (which was mostly a naval battle) was a big fat fiasco for the number one naval power of the time, you now know why.
But Alcibiades was not a fool, as I’ve said, so he escaped to Sparta.
“Hello, dear Spartans. Do you want me to tell you how to subdue Athens?”
“Of course, our hero!”
So, yes, the Spartans licked his ass – not literally, although I’m sure they’d prefer that – to get as much info as possible about their enemies.
But Spartans, although they didn’t have democracy, were as decent as democracy’s politicians, and Alcibiades knew that. So, he made sure to gather as much information about Sparta as he could – and managed to gather quite a lot – and before they murdered him he escaped to Persia.
Maybe, just maybe, his affair with the wife of one of the kings (Sparta had two kings at any time) made this happen a little faster, but it would have come to pass anyway.
“Hello, dear Tissaphernes! Do you want to conquer the whole Greece?”
“Of course, my friend!”
No, it’s not a repetition of history, because the Satrap of Lydia and Ionia was actually a decent person who didn’t betray the ones supporting him. Instead, he “showered” Alcibiades with gold and… other pleasures, and our hero, in return, provided him with all the useful info for Athens and Sparta and with plans of how to literally conquer Greece more with money rather than with an army.
The Peloponnesian War erupted, but, as Alcibiades – who apparently was the only one who had realised that the two superpowers had lost that “super” long time ago – expected, it didn’t end fast. And after a short while both Athens and Sparta didn’t have enough to eat (with and without quotes, actually).
And that’s when the benevolent Tissaphernes offered to support them – financially. Both of them, but he didn’t bother explaining that. And those greedy morons took the bait.
One small detail: actually Tissaphernes, before Alcibiades went to him, had offered financial support to Sparta.
In any case, when both city-states had lost most of their power and Athens was in desperate need of some extra help, Alcibiades returned to Athens.
And Athens welcomed the great hero who had suffered abroad for their sake (gathering too much gold to spend in ten lifetimes and having equally much sex) in order to convince Persia to support them.
I’ll stop without a comment. Take your time to understand why I put him on a pedestal. I’ll only say that if you thought that my comments about his ass were just me being me, you are wrong. Plato, and not only, records – in detail – some of the fights for Alcibiades’ ass.
Have fun, have sex, and always expect your country to do at least as much for you as you do for it.
Yorgos KC
