To Johnny with Love

1

“You are incredible,” Johnny said. “Once again you made me laugh without a reason!”

The other boy smiled. At least he could still do that for him. He just sent him a grinning emoji. Nothing more… He didn’t want to show how happy he was… He knew… He wished for the opposite, but he knew.

“I have to go to sleep,” Johnny said. It was really late indeed. 3:35 a.m. to be exact.

“Sweet dreams… and always be happy!”

“You too! Let’s arrange to go for a coffee.”

“Send me a message whenever you want.”

“OK! Goodnight!”

“Goodnight!” But the boy’s goodnight message was never read.

****

How happy the boy was at that night, how much he was smiling and laughing alone.

“But you know… don’t you?” his self asked him while he was in bed.

“I know… I know… but let me enjoy… let me dream and wish for tonight… I know… I know… I really do know, but let me be a fool for tonight.”

His self didn’t answer. He knew how much the boy loved John.

*****

Three years have passed since that day… The message has never been read. And he, the boy, is still hurt.

“I know… I knew, dear self! I wished for the opposite, but I knew… I’m sorry for hurting you, myself… I’m sorry for crying, but I still love him… You know don’t you? Hate me not!”

“I don’t hate you. Know this! I love you for loving so much. I am with you. Just be with me. And together we’ll find what we seek.”

With the backs of his hands the boy swept away his tears. “Together, us two, once again!”

“I have a crazy idea…”

“Let’s do it!” The boy answered to his self, and so they decided, the boy and his self, to imagine Johnny’s happiness. An imaginary happiness, it’s true, but… a well-deserved dream for the one they loved, the one they love so much.

*****

Yes… the boy is a little crazy, you may think. And what if he really is? He talks with himself, as if he is a friend, but he very well knows he is not a different person at all. Whenever he falls in love, he loves with all the power of his heart, and what he wants is for the loved one to be happy no matter if they love him back or not.

Johnny, at least, shared some time with him; he offered some love to the boy. He hugged him. He kissed him. He made love to him. And he told him, true or not, “I love you”.

So, how can this boy forget? He doesn’t even want to forget. He just wants for Johnny to be happy and smiling and well. He may be a little crazy after all. Or a lot. But if this is a bad thing, I don’t know. Yet, the boy doesn’t know how to hate the ones, few they are, that he once loved. Well… that he still loves.

2

The boy closed his eyes and lay back in his self’s lap. His self fondled gently his forehead; just a feeling, of course, the boy didn’t move his hands. He relaxed.

“It was a few days after our last chat… Johnny had had a profile for some time, but nothing interesting had appeared since he decided so unexpectedly to send me those messages, but a few days after that… Well, somebody sent him a message. Let’s call him… well how? …Angel? No! No! That’s too much… A simple name… something more possible… Alex. That sounds better, does it not?” His self smiled to him. “Then Alex it should be,” said the boy, and took some deep breaths.

…

Johnny took a bored look to the new guy’s profile. “He must be another jerk,” he thought. But on opening the profile and seeing Alex’s photos he started being a little more interested, for Alex was really nice looking, or that is what his photos showed.

Alex was nineteen, about 1.80m tall, with a slim body, maybe just a little toned. Other than that nothing more was written in the profile. “Not a good start.” But Johnny replied to his message. And then, message after message, Johnny’s interest became huge.

They chatted for quite some time, and Johnny was smiling to himself. They exchanged phone numbers, and they talked. “What a nice voice he has,” Johnny thought. So did, of course Alex, who also had enjoyed their chat very much. So, before hanging up they arranged to meet the next day at 17:00.

And they met. Alex was astonished by Johnny’s looks, and Johnny liked as much what he was seeing in front of him. After introducing themselves to each other, and some small talk on the spot, they decided to go for some coffee or something like that.

…

“Let me not indulge in the details of their conversation, for I may confuse their first meeting with ours, and this is something I don’t want to do,” said the boy talking to his self. His self nodded smiling in agreement.

“So, let’s just say they had a marvellous time, smiling and laughing, and falling in love more and more by each passing minute… it sounds good…”

A few more meetings came to pass, and the two boys have surrendered their hearts and their souls to one another happily. Johnny is really happy with Alex by his side. Alex takes good care of him. He is able to melt away every problem Johnny may have. Just by being with him. Even Johnny’s parents like Alex. Well, not really maybe, but better than his ex; surely.

…

The boy squirmed in his self’s lap. “Well, that was a problem for us, wasn’t it? I don’t want this for them!”

At that moment the boy wished that his self had a body of his own, and that he – the self – would be willing to tighten his hug to make him feel more secure and beloved, but of course…

“Now, I don’t want to say much more. Their love-making is perfect in every way, their hugging and kissing, their everyday living… their everything is perfect, no matter how you see it, and they are deeply in love.”

“Johnny is happy with Alex beyond anything he could ever dream. And Alex is as happy with him. And the years have passed, and they are now together, even better than when they started.”

The boy’s self smiled to him. He kissed his forehead with fondness. “I am with you, as you are. Never dare to forget this! You are not alone. Listen to me: I’ll always be with you!”

A tear escaped the boy’s closed eyes. “I know that… I only wish you were not part of me, and I could, for once, listen to another’s voice saying to me something just as sweet, and feeling as sure as I am hearing it from you, that he means it. I only wish…”

Ending

A few moments passed. Neither the boy spoke nor his self. The smile slowly returned to the boy’s face. His sorrow gave place to the love that he feels for Johnny. “I don’t need him to be with me. I need him to be happy, and smiling and well and that’s all.” And that’s the truth.

“So, listen to me Johnny if you can! This is our dream for you. I’m leaving you in the hands of the one that you love, and I really wish my dream to be nothing compared to the greatness of joy and love that you live!”

His self smiled to the boy once again. The boy smiled back to his self.

“Now, Johnny is happy and well. Let’s see what we can do for ourselves. You and me, my dearest self! Once again, together us two!”